The Book of Beer Awesomeness Read online

  Table of Contents

  Don’t Be an Idiot.

  Introduction

  Chapter 1: Brew School

  Chapter 2: Beeraphernalia

  Chapter 3: Beer Drinking Basics

  Chapter 4: Advanced Skills

  Chapter 5: Games of Memory

  Chapter 6: Games of Strategy

  Chapter 7: Games of Skill

  Chapter 8: Games of No Skill and No Strategy (but that are still really fun and you should try to play them anyway)

  Chapter 9: Beer Drinking Sports

  Acknowledgments

  About the Authors

  Copyright

  DON’T BE AN IDIOT.

  There’s nothing wrong with enjoying some beers with friends. Beer skills, games, and other activities are intended to be fun and social experiences, performed responsibly and in moderation. Just remember, beer contains alcohol, and underage drinking and excessive alcohol consumption are extremely dangerous activities that no one should engage in.

  The material contained in this book is presented only for informational purposes. The publisher and authors do not condone or advocate in any way underage drinking or the consumption of extreme quantities of alcohol, and we accept no liability for the consequences of illegal drinking or overindulgence.

  So when you drink, drink responsibly, know your limits, never drink and drive, and never let your friends drink and drive. Use a designated driver, call a cab, take public transportation, or sleep it off, just don’t get behind the wheel of a car.

  PLEASE DRINK AND PLAY RESPONSIBLY!

  BEER IS perhaps mankind’s single greatest concoction and the most widely consumed beverage on the planet (besides water and tea). Yet the true art of beer drinking and its related activities have somehow remained largely ignored throughout beer’s hazy history.

  How is it possible that everyone’s favorite pastime has received so little formal coverage? How can so few Americans identify what style of beer they are drinking? When will formal chugging techniques become required learning for all adults? Why do we so rarely learn the proper rules of beer-drinking games?

  It is time to treat throwing back a few brew-ha-has with significance, gravitas, and other impressive words befitting such an important act. From pouring to storing, from crushing cans to keg stands, from beer bongs to beer pong, we’ve created this guide to help you develop the skills you’ll need to master the awesomeness of beer.

  “But is beer drinking really that important?” you ask.

  “Hell yeah, it is,” we answer.

  “Prove it,” you retort.

  Simply put: beer drinking is just good for you.

  Beer does your body good. This magical bread soup has been a significant nutritional staple for generations. Only recently in human history has it been considered a luxury. A myriad of studies prove its health benefits. Don’t trust us? Check out a little thing called the Internet, it’s full of facts.

  BEER DOES YOUR MIND GOOD TOO. While we delve more into the physical benefits later in the book, we must also stress the psychological importance of proper beer drinking. Beer offers a mindfulness and awareness that breaks us out of our autopilot daily routines. How do you think Buddha got such a prodigious Buddha belly?

  Beer does our society good. Beer drinking represents the perfect antidote to the harried pace and isolation of modern life. While technology is pushing us toward shallow social media friendships, beer drinking is pulling us back to reality. So even when the day comes that you can download your virtual date, you will need to meet up with a real, live human to hoist a hefeweizen.

  Beer is also deliciously inefficient. It’s the original slow food. Brewing beer was and will always be part science and part art. And drinking beer, the right way, is no different. It requires a combination of practice, knowledge, and cultural reinforcement. You aren’t born knowing how to open a beer bottle with your teeth. You need to learn it.

  But most of this drinking knowledge has been shared informally—passed down through cultures by simple word of mouth. And in our expert opinion, that’s not good enough. Don’t get us wrong, we believe in the oral tradition. And we believe it’s perfect for sharing mythology, spirituality, and family values. What we call the little stuff. Beer drinking, however, is simply too important to risk its integrity on something so unofficial.

  So we have endeavored to put into words what we all love to put into our bellies: beer and all of its awesomeness.

  And in true beer-drinking tradition, let’s begin this journey with a toast.

  May the knowledge about to be bestowed upon you forever help make you a beer-drinking champion.

  Cheers!

  BEER BANTER

  "He was a wise man who invented beer."

  — PLATO

  You need to know it to own it.

  AND BY “IT” WE MEAN BEER, and by “own” we mean becoming a skilled practitioner of the art and science of drinking “it.” And that’s where we will begin

  Understanding the history of beer, the fundamentals of brewing, and the basic taxonomy of the various forms is not just for random trivia nights or boring your buddies to death. No, we believe that this is the foundation on which to build your beer-drinking skills. Respect the knowledge of the past because we are all just drinking on the shoulders of giants. Please don’t spill.

  FIRST THINGS THIRST, let’s define exactly what you will be devoting every waking minute—and several non-waking ones—to perfecting.

  Beer is the world’s oldest and most popular alcoholic beverage, an incredible feat for such a complicated, temperamental, and polarizing liquid. It’s also testament to its otherworldly powers, surprisingly nutritional benefits, and significant economic influence.

  All of this from a fermentation of partially germinated grains flavored with dried flowers. While it doesn’t sound impressive—or particularly masculine—it has had a significant role in our history.

  BEER BANTER

  “From man’s sweat and God’s love, beer came into the world.”

  —Saint Arnold of Metz

  Patron saint of brewers

  DRINKER DICTIONARY

  BEER SYNONYMS

  Amber fluid

  Barley juice

  Bomber

  Brain hammer

  Brew

  Brewdog

  Brew-ha-ha

  Brewski

  Cerveza

  Chugger’s delight

  Codswallop

  Cold one

  Cold water sandwich

  Coldie

  Daddy’s milk

  Frosty

  Giggle water

  Gold elixir

  Grog

  Gutter-ade

  Hop juice

  Hoppy happiness

  Keg innards

  Libation

  Liquid bread

  Liquid gold

  Loudmouth soup

  Malt beverage

  Nectar of the gods

  Oat soda

  Old horizontal

  Post-party cologne

  Reeb

  Silly seltzer

  Social lubricant

  Suds

  Swill

  Swipe

  Time travel in a bottle

  Tinnie

  Tummy buster

  Wallop

  Wheat treat

  Wobbly pops

  SO, HOW DID BEER COME ABOUT? It’s a question that is as old as time itself. Fermentation happens naturally in fruit, courtesy of wild yeasts. Some animals have been known to partake of a little spiked fruit—and early humans were likely not far behind. This theory would explain the creation of wine and other fruity drinks. But beer is different.

 
; Grains don’t share the same easily fermenting properties. They need some hot enzyme action to convert the plant’s starches into soluble sugars. And those enzymes come from two sources: saliva or partial germination. Either way, the path to the first brew was neither easy nor peasy.

  But it happened. Somehow the grains—possibly through a storage snafu—were soaked and dried and soaked again. Then they came to float in some water and were left to rot. And it was good. Real good.

  Some of the earliest records of beer consumption come from as far back as 4200 b.c.e., found on Babylonian clay tablets featuring detailed beer recipes. The Babylonians weren’t the only ones getting their drink on, however; other societies, such as the Assyrians, the Egyptians, and the Chinese have all been reported to be massive beer heads.

  BREW FACT

  The earliest brewers were women. High priestesses were divinely inspired to brew it by their culture’s goddesses: Ninkasi (Sumerian), Ceres (Roman), and Elvira (American).

  THE WORLD’S LONGEST BEER RUN

  9500 B.C.E.: Neolithic farmers cultivate cereals and possibly a buzz.

  4200 B.C.E.: Babylonians carve beer recipes into clay tablets.

  2300 B.C.E.: The Chinese brew their version of beer, kiu.

  1600 B.C.E.: Egyptian texts contain medicinal uses for beer.

  55 B.C.E.: The Romans introduce their form of beer to Northern Europe.

  500 C.E.: Europe graduates from smaller home brewing to brewing beer on a large scale in monasteries.

  1200: Beer making is firmly established as a commercial enterprise in Germany, Austria, and England.

  1492: Columbus finds Indians making beer from corn and black birch sap.

  1516: William IV, Duke of Bavaria, adopts the Reinheitsgebot (purity law), according to which the only allowed ingredients of beer are water, hops, and barley malt.

  1602: Dr. Alexander Nowell discovers that ale can be stored longer in cork-sealed glass bottles.

  1663: America’s first brewery opens in lovely Hoboken, New Jersey.

  1820: The Industrial Revolution introduces technology and practices that take beer brewing into mass production.

  1876: Louis Pasteur develops a process to stabilize beers twenty-two years before it’s applied to milk.

  1891: American inventor William Painter creates the crown cap.

  1919: The Eighteenth Amendment is ratified, marking the beginning of Prohibition.

  1933: Prohibition is repealed, thankfully.

  1935: The beer can is introduced.

  1978: President Jimmy Carter revokes the federal tax on home beer brewers, which sparks a craft beer revival in the United States.

  2010: An estimated 196 million barrels of beer are produced in the United States (1 barrel = 31 gallons of beer).

  RIGHT NOW: The Book of Beer Awesomeness is being read by a very smart person. (Psst, that means you.)

  BREW FACT

  Some ancient cultures drank beer from straws since the jugs were too heavy to lift.

  BEER DRINKING THROUGHOUT HISTORY

  BREW FACT

  The Code of Hammurabi, the Babylonian law code of “eye for an eye” fame also includes a law regulating beer production and consumption.

  BEER BREWING HAS EVOLVED into a complex procedure that has been said to require both art and science. Of course, in reality, neither art nor science is an actual ingredient. However, the following components are:

  WATER

  WHAT IT IS: Two parts hydrogen, one part oxygen, it’s the stuff that makes up most of the Earth, most of the human body and, not surprisingly, most of beer.

  WHAT IT DOES FOR BEER: More than 90 percent of the finished product consists of this one ingredient, so though it may not seem like anything special, water (and the quality of water used) is a crucial factor in beer making.

  DIFFERENT TYPES: What makes the water important is its mineral content. When dealing with beer, the kind of water used comes in two major types: hard and soft. For example, Dublin has hard water well suited to making stout, such as Guinness; while the Czech Republic has soft water well suited to making pale lager, such as Pilsner Urquell.

  BARLEY

  WHAT IT IS: Barley is a cereal grain, not unlike wheat or oats. Barley is like your slacker brother: it’s terrible at its job as a baking grain. Also like your slacker brother, barley has one thing it is incredible at doing, and it’s not playing “Rock Band,” but making sugars that convert into alcohol.

  WHAT IT DOES FOR BEER: Barley’s purpose in beer can be summed up by a word: Awesome malting. Malting occurs when barley is soaked and drained to activate the germination of the plant from the seed. This activates enzymes that convert starch reserves and proteins into sugars and amino acids. Once the seeds sprout, the grain is dried in a kiln to stop the enzymes until it’s time to brew.

  BREW FACT

  “How important is water quality to brewing? In the early 1800s, pale ales were all the rage in London. A small brewer in Burton by the name of Samuel Allsopp decided to copy the style, and the London boozehounds loved it. This was due to the water—the hills around Burton were (and are) full of gypsum, a sulfate that brings out the bitter flavors from the hops during the brewing process.

  The English beer drinkers demanded ales from Burton seemingly above all others, starting a beer gold rush. Eventually, chemists discovered the secret of the water, and breweries elsewhere simply added sulfate to copy the effect—a process known as ‘Burtonisation.’”

  —RICHARD TAYLOR

  Beer expert and host of TheBeerCast.com

  DIFFERENT TYPES: Barley comes in a variety of types, distinguished by the number of seeds on the stalk of the plant. European brewers prefer the two-row type because it malts best and has a higher starch-to-husk ratio. American brewers often go with the six-row type because it’s cheaper to grow and contains a higher concentration of the enzymes.

  YEAST

  WHAT IT IS: Yeast is a single-celled microorganism that reproduces asexually through the less-than-sexy budding process. Classified as fungi, there are hundreds of strains of yeast currently identified. The strain of yeast that has been commonly used in baking and beer fermentation for thousands of years is called Saccharomyces cerevisiae. (Hint: baby name idea!)

  WHAT IT DOES FOR BEER: Yeast brings the brew to the fermentation process, which causes the malt in the beer to magically transform into an alcoholic beverage. Yeast can also have an impact on the brew’s final aromas and flavors.

  DIFFERENT TYPES: There are two important kinds of the Saccharomyces cerevisiae strain of yeast to remember: top-fermenting yeast and bottom-fermenting yeast.

  Top-fermenting yeast is called such because the top of the wort foams up when using this type of yeast. Also known as “ale yeast,” it ferments at a higher temperature (68°F–72°F). Conversely, bottom-fermenting yeast, or “lager yeast,” ferments at lower temperatures (48°F–52°F).

  HOPS

  WHAT IT IS: Hops are budding flowers that are added to the boil (see The Reality of Brewing) to give beer its signature taste. Hops are also a kissing cousin to everyone’s favorite plant—cannabis.

  WHAT IT DOES FOR BEER: Hops essentially “flavor” the beer, contributing heavily to its aroma, bitterness, and finish. They also allow the yeast to ferment more efficiently. The amount added ultimately affects the “spiciness” and fullness of the beer’s taste. Hops can also function as a natural preservative for beer.

  DIFFERENT TYPES: There are two basic kinds of hops: bittering (or “noble”) hops and flavoring (or “aroma”) hops. How the hops are used and when they’re brought into the brewing process change the outcome of the beer.

  AND THE OTHER STUFF—EXTRA STUFF THAT MAKES BEER EXTRA SPECIAL

  WHEAT:

  A main ingredient in, you guessed it, wheat beers. Gives a crisp, refreshing taste and can help retain the head as well.

  RICE:

  Rice is added because it’s cheaper than using all barley for brewing—hence the beers that have
rice as an adjunct are cheaper and usually mass-produced.

  SPICES:

  Before hops became the primary flavoring agent, spices were used to provide a beer with its flavor profile. Today, many beers—such as seasonal winter, summer, and autumn brews—still rely on dried spices (like cinnamon, cloves, nutmeg, coriander, and even some variations of dried flowers) to give the brew its specific profile.

  FRUIT:

  While it’s not a necessity in most beers, many styles are largely dependent on fruit. Some brews incorporate fruit syrup in the fermenting process while others simply use fruit extract at the end to heighten certain flavor notes.

  WEIRD STUFF:

  Sometimes it goes right, like with vegetables (pumpkin) and other grains (oatmeal). Sometimes it doesn’t, like with garlic and liver (both used to varying degrees of disgust).

  HOW BEER IS ACTUALLY MADE

  BEER BY THE GLANCE

  According to the USDA National Nutrient Database, one 12-ounce serving of regular beer has the following nutrients:

  Serving Size: 12 Ounces

  ---------------

  Amount Per Serving

  Cholesterol 0 g

  Fat 0 g

  Calories 153

  Protein 1.64 g

  Carbohydrates 12.64 g

  Calcium 14 mg

  Magnesium 21 mg

  Phosphorus 50 mg